Friday, 15 August 2008

• I don't know.I simply don't.

  Erm...how do I say this? I had no idea what got into me. I had no idea I was that thoughtless, but brave too. The one thing I've been keeping all these years, beautifully concealed, carefully hidden, and all of a sudden my retarded brain managed to blurt it out in seconds and left me feeling like this. Like shit. Seriously. But then again, what's done is done and I have no intention in trying to turn back time. Everything happens for a reason and I rarely regret what I'd done, no matter how awful they made me feel.But then..

  Now I am emotionally so unstable that I feel like a walking tight rope waiting to snap. Sigh. I guess I am not strong enough to face the truth yet. Well, I thought I was. I had no idea it got harder on me. But thank God it somehow brought me back to reality. But an unpleasant one which slapped my face so hard that I feel like crying. Well, I already cried, don't worry about that. Cried so hard that my head hurts for days.Sigh.

  Somehow or rather I thought that 'that' was my fate. Somewhere at the back of my mind, it's always been that way. But I guess dreams are much nicer when they remain as they are. Now that the truth is out, some part of me felt empty. And I mean ....really empty. All these while this thing had helped me through many many situations. It got me stronger, it got me better but now it's all for nothing and I feel so helpless. The one thing I had been holding on for so long is no longer there. I had nothing more to hold on to. Some part of me is gone too. Gone with the never-ending hope I had before, which had vanished in seconds and without me being able to do anything.

  How frustrating is that?

  I guess I shouldn't be thinking about this any longer. My priority now should be about my studies. And becoming an excellent doctor. I want to become a specialist! In what field I don't know. But I don't want to give a damn about other things yet. Yes I need time to recover, and this is going to be super-hard for me but I've always managed to stay strong and Insya- Allah I'll be strong concerning this matter too.

  I'm going back home tonight. Previously I had somewhere to turn to whenever things go wrong. But now that it's gone, I guess I'd be like a small child again. Run back home to your parents and the world will become nicer again.

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