Erm...how do I say this? I had no idea what got into me. I had no idea I was that thoughtless, but brave too. The one thing I've been keeping all these years, beautifully concealed, carefully hidden, and all of a sudden my retarded brain managed to blurt it out in seconds and left me feeling like this. Like shit. Seriously. But then again, what's done is done and I have no intention in trying to turn back time. Everything happens for a reason and I rarely regret what I'd done, no matter how awful they made me feel.But then..

Now I am emotionally so unstable that I feel like a walking tight rope waiting to snap. Sigh. I guess I am not strong enough to face the truth yet. Well, I thought I was. I had no idea it got harder on me. But thank God it somehow brought me back to reality. But an unpleasant one which slapped my face so hard that I feel like crying. Well, I already cried, don't worry about that. Cried so hard that my head hurts for days.Sigh.

Somehow or rather I thought that 'that' was my fate. Somewhere at the back of my mind, it's always been that way. But I guess dreams are much nicer when they remain as they are. Now that the truth is out, some part of me felt empty. And I mean ....really empty. All these while this thing had helped me through many many situations. It got me stronger, it got me better but now it's all for nothing and I feel so helpless. The one thing I had been holding on for so long is no longer there. I had nothing more to hold on to. Some part of me is gone too. Gone with the never-ending hope I had before, which had vanished in seconds and without me being able to do anything.

How frustrating is that?

I guess I shouldn't be thinking about this any longer. My priority now should be about my studies. And becoming an excellent doctor. I want to become a specialist! In what field I don't know. But I don't want to give a damn about other things yet. Yes I need time to recover, and this is going to be super-hard for me but I've always managed to stay strong and Insya- Allah I'll be strong concerning this matter too.

I'm going back home tonight. Previously I had somewhere to turn to whenever things go wrong. But now that it's gone, I guess I'd be like a small child again. Run back home to your parents and the world will become nicer again.

wow.this is my first entry after....how long?years.was it 2 years?huhu. well xanga seems to have improved in many ways.more interesting.maybe i'm a bit outdated regarding this but all in all.i'm just glad. life is hectic nowadays. stressing in a way. but it's still the same. i kinda miss the xanga bloggers. :) hope this could be a fresh start for me here. in xanga

I visited a page recently, which contains many offensive cartoon pictures regarding Allah s.w.t, Islam and Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. A senior of mine gave me the address of the webpage and out of curiosity, I went to the website...and as I have expected, there are many cartoons, drawings of Rasulullah saw and other things that would undoubtedly anger all Muslims in the world if they see it. In short,  I do not want to elaborate on the details of the cartoons. I am sure you understand what I mean.

I was very frustrated, sad, and angry that someone in this world would create a page with the sole purpose of mocking Islam. The mockings are of course, very unacceptable. Picture's of pigs and...okay, I am not going to start. So, here is what I did: I wrote an email to the owner of the page, trying not to sound angry though I know that I was a bit (or very?) sarcastic. Here is his reply and my email to him. My email was a bit weird I think, asking him to look up the Al-Quran and all but what can you expect? I wasn't really thinking that time.  Plus I had a class coming. Here is his reply:

Your email is very kind natured, which I respect deeply. Too bad all muslims can’t express themselves this way. Now for the analytical portion of your email:

I have read quite a bit of the Koran, hadiths, and sura. The “truth in it” as you put it, is that Muhammad raided, lied, broke treaties, murdered, raped and engaged in pedophilia. I cannot condone exalting a man with such serious flaws in his character. By today’s standards, he would be beaten, shot, and hanged – in that order. You say islam doesn’t promote violence!? How can you say that? The Koran you speak so highly of has statements such as “kill the unbelievers”, “subjugate and humiliate them”, etc. If it doesn’t promote violence, why is it that of almost 30 conflict across the globe right now, muslims are engaged in almost all of them? The cartoon issue was very eye-opening. Your people have killed others FOR A CARTOON! All the things that your kind have said about Christians and Jews, and you’re going to be upset about a drawing? If you can’t see how whiny and immature that makes your religion look to the world then you are blind. Allah must be a pretty impotent god to get upset about drawings. My God made the universe, a simple drawing of Jesus or anything else isn’t going to diminish God’s supremacy. That’s why my God has never ordered me to kill you or anyone else for not believing in him.

I know God is with me, thank you. I do think you confuse my God with your allah. They are not the same! Still, live in peace and freedom. I don’t agree with your religion but I believe you have the right to believe in it, as long as you can keep your hands (and guns) to yourself.